40 DAYS

It will never be the same again.

IMAGINE A SUPER STORM’S FRESH VESTIGE-- TORN PARTICLES, SCATTERED DEBRIS AND DIRT, AND A SCENE OF HOPELESSNESS.

THAT  WAS  MY HEART  AND  MY  MIND  THE  VERY  MOMENT  OUR  MOTHER  BREATHED HER  LAST.

I was bargaining during the days when my mother was in the ICU. I would, without exemptions, trade anything. I dropped other prayers so as to focus on one so significant for the moment. I was praying for my mom to live and to be well again. God heard me. I'm sure He did. There's no way He would have not seen and heard me beg because synchronized with my breathing I bombarded Heaven with that single prayer.

I felt He uncaringly dropped my petition. I HOPED He would reconsider. But as days dragged me along, I saw and heard no signs that my prayer was to be granted any sooner or later. Am I to be denied by a God who is said to be omnipotent and loving? Like a child to his father, I asked: why can’t You accord with me on something that You are completely capable of giving? That was me being tested in the boat out on the sea in the midst of the storm. As a result, together with the other "fishermen" I was graded Double F for frail faith.

I gravely doubted. Darkness and shallowness covered my heart at the surge of the storm. I had confirmed how little faith I have despite all the love God poured upon thru the years. I questioned God; his love, his compassion, his generosity, his justice and his power. I insulted God. Was He doing a lottery-sort of salvation? He cured some not so good hearted; some who may be really bad. But ignored my mother. He did not know who He had allowed to suffer in the hospital and in the end let to die. Heaven lost my mother’s data to account for her goodness.

Call it insolent provocation. I did not care.

The incompetent doctors in the emergency room. The unethical nurses. The arrogant pharmacy staffs, the ill-educated ICU guard. They were in my list. They should follow as soon as my mom leaves us. And I would make it happen at all cost. They were, to me, an accessory to my mother's death. I promised I would kill them. Or if I fail I’ll kill myself. There were no rational plans going on in my mind.

Yes, I have faltered. But by God’s initiative I stood up. His grace is indeed amazing. 

All the good things that come are not due to my sole and initial effort. God always takes the first step and gives a helping hand. He has always been initiating the love.

GOD knows best. In all angles known, unknown, imagined and unimagined. He knows it best even at the times when He takes back the best that He gave us. We may misunderstand His mysterious plans. But He is faithful in His love.  He knows the best time to give and to recall.

He knew that my sister and I needed a mother. He gave us one. And He knew exactly the name, the face, the smell, the tone of voice, the character of the mother whom we needed. He sealed it. We really loved whom He gave us!

It’s extra sweet, right?  When somebody takes effort to know what you want and specially what you need and give it to you. What makes it ultra-special? It’s the KING of Kings doing that for you.

I intended to stay overnight in the office to work on some important pending jobs a few hours before we rushed my mom to the hospital. I was weak then and can no longer drive home. I was tired and chilling with fever. But God reminded me of a more important reason to stay home. Then He gave me extra quickness to finish my work, extra strength to drive home and extra time-- EXTRA SPECIAL TIME-- to talk  to her for the last time. 

My mom and I used to joke around to bet who would pass away first. We would arrive at counting who had the most number of hospital confinements, check ups, etc. My mom would end up appealing, “let that be me, anak please” She would explain that it’s more painful for a parent that a child dies ahead. I know no instance that I ever conceded to her request.

There is no circumstance, no great amount of money, nothing at all will make it the same again. But God is faithful and He has proven it innumerable times. And for His love to work on me He requires me to be trusting. 

I could not ask for more. Ima   is now in the protecting and loving arms of our Father. No more diabetes, emphysema, asthma, goiter, arthritis-- no more suffering and pain. No problems will ever distress her.

For more than 36 years God channeled His overflowing love to us thru our mother. Our Ima  had been a magnanimous passage. Whatever God wanted to shower to us thru her she had justifiably given.

It’s not a mere chance that my sister’s son and my daughter had also the fortune to listen to the same lullabies that their grandma sang to us. Add the experience of sitting on the same comfy lap, tasting and eating the best hearty dishes… Oh, I’m sorry there’s just so much joy in memories that to enumerate them all is impossible. I cannot encompass in words and can never explain how great her love is.

God gave our children a little more than two years to experience my mother’s love. Two years? No, those were not just two years. Those were truly exceptionally and substantially love-filled two years worth cherishing in a lifetime.

Plus my sister’s and my lifetime. Because her love will continue thru us. It's our mother’s love which has been our greatest and most valuable inheritance. And we will make sure that her legacy continues to our children.

God's heart was there when you stayed late night with us in the hospital until the funeral. And when you prayed for us to make it thru the storm. 

God's hands were there gently holding me and my family when you lovingly gripped us in your arms when we can't help but burst in sorrow. 

God's voice we heard thru your good words; thru your prayers.

THANK YOU!

To the whole Gattuc Family!

David Family

Cortez Family

Lopez Family

OFM Conventuals Fraters

Caburnay Family

RANK Family

FedEx Family

Air 21 Family

Airspeed Family

Capitol Site Community

VDSR Community

To My Bapa Do who deserves a special mention for tirelessly embracing me with genuine words of consolation.

My seminary friends: Fr. Harold, Fr. Leo, Fr. Randy, Fr. Melvin, Fr. Lito. Thank you for loving my mother. Thank you for loving my family.

My Qatar friends: JC, Jon, Dennis, Andrew, Manny & Cef. Your gesture is the truest definition of thoughtfulness.

My GW Barkadas—too many to mention, but then again thank you very much.

Sir Bert and Ma’am Lina. May you live a long and healthy life for your loved ones. Thank you for that space in your heart that you’ve provided for my family .

Old and new friends who overwhelmed me with alleviating messages: Dennis, Archie, Dencio, Ardy, Roy, Ryan, Mercy, Juvy, Maricel, Mon, Krizia, Judith, Joanna, Bang, Kong Sandy, Marce, Gen, Erica, Karen, Allan, Leo, Jovet, Ailene, Bo, Kong Joie, Riber, Cards, Marilou, Atsing  Chie, Maricris, Mart, Pitung, Jay Ar, Cecilia, Conrad, Alhiw, Jason, Atsing Aloha, Kuya Philip, Chad, Daphne, Mercy, Bapang Dante, John, Marc, ...

To all who I failed to include, may God bless your goodness a hundredfold!